I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
