i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
