you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
