If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
