You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
