I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
