I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
