This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The adults are the big ones right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
