Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
