The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
