So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
