my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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