I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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