At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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