i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize