my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
