I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
