How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
