found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
