I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
