i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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