toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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