She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
