She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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