If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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