Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
