Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
cat food counts as protein by the way
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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