I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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