I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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