I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
