I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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