I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
