Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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