I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
