I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
