they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
