I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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