i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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