My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
