his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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