got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
