well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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