i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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