the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
