I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
