I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
