if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
