i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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