I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
