So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
