somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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