fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
