In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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