dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
