Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
