Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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