if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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