Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
